Blog

Pandemic Thoughts

IMG_8812

It’s never going to end. I don’t know how to plan for the future anymore. What if grocery shopping kills someone? Too many people are dying. Did I touch my face? Wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands. I’m scared, anxious, and I’m starting to feel a sinking feeling.

I was handling it well at first; positive and hopeful, but the last few days I can’t stop worrying. These thoughts circle in my mind over and over. When I turn on the news I fall apart. It’s the deaths of those in long term facilities and the coffins filled with dead bodies around the world that makes me cry my eyes out. Many families are losing loved ones and it’s so heartbreaking. I have to limit the news, but I also don’t want to be in the dark either. The problem is the news is ever evolving. The big red banner on the TV never stops saying, “BREAKING NEWS.” Social media doesn’t help with the worrying either. So much news and too many people sharing information that may or may not be true. I’ve been limiting social media over the last few days as well.

Although the news is devastating, I know I need to try to keep my head on straight while I’m home. I’ve been keeping myself busy with schoolwork – my final semester. What a memory this will be. Thankfully, I’ve found a routine through all of this. I have coffee in the morning and listen to a guided mediation, then go for a walk in my neighbourhood – less people out in the morning. I do schoolwork until Justin Trudeau comes on at noon. I do more schoolwork until the Nova Scotia Government comes on at 3:00 pm. I exercise in the evening and I’ve been eating well. I finish the night off with a with a movie; it’s nice to escape this reality for a bit. I think if I didn’t do these things, I would lose my mind and sink into depression, but keeping a good routine is helping me.

Grocery shopping is terrible. I have to be in the moment and focused. I’ve been shopping twice. The first time I told a friend I washed the groceries and my friend told me I went overboard, but I know you’re supposed to disinfect, so I keep doing that. I buy groceries for my mom. I keep them at my house for three or four days before delivering them because she’s high risk. I’m not sure if I am. I get bronchitis every year. I once had it for a couple months. I needed two prescriptions to get rid of it. So, I do wonder if I’m at risk. I don’t even want to think about it. I’m just being as cautious as I can for everyone.

I’m feeling sadder with each passing day. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but this week has been really hard to do that when there’s no hope that things will be back to normal anytime soon. I know the government is saying we will see a large increase in Covid cases before we see reductions, so I have to try harder to remain confident that we will see the end of this. I’m so thankful for our Government being reliable to update us everyday around the same time. I need these consistencies and it helps me to weed out fake news.

I realized it’s been more than two years since my last post here. I’ve been so busy with school, but this will be ending soon, and the uncertain future will be on my mind. Maybe writing here will be good. It’s just my little online space to say whatever and maybe this will help with the sadness I feel from the Covid-19 Pandemic.

 

 

 

 

New Romantic

When I was a teenager I was often in trouble for skipping school. I didn’t really do anything bad like drugs or drinking, instead I would roam around Downtown Halifax, sometimes go to the mall, mostly walk around with friends and boys.

I guess what makes me really badass is that I also used to skip school to read Harlequin Romance novels! I even had a friend who enjoyed the same books and we would skip school together to read and trade when we were done. I was grounded so much for skipping school, but that was fine, I had my books. I was simply a young romantic! I loved love. I guess I could’ve been doing worse things. 

As a teen I discovered my favorite band – Oasis. Also a great time killer when grounded, and still my favorite band! “Wonderwall” was released and I knew at that young age that this song would be for my soulmate, and one day I would tell someone, the one, “you’re my wonderwall.” And it would mean everything. 

During my twenties I had a few relationships and some heartbreaks too. I flew to Vancouver and Toronto for love. Love had no boundaries. I was reckless and basked in every minute of it. 

It’s pretty crazy during my mid-late twenties I ended up in a toxic relationship. I guess that’s where being wreckless got me into trouble. That relationship changed me. In the end, I lost myself for a long time. It made me completely fearful of all things relationship related. And brought along a fair share of failures. 

That brings me to now, getting over a heartbreak from someone I called “Wonderwall” and said three words to, in the least romantic way I might add. But I don’t regret my three words for I meant them at the time. And since life is short I figured he should know the truth of how I felt, despite his cold words and lack of care. Short lived in a way, long in another, felt like a lifetime, thought it was real…so real it left my heart ripped apart. 

Looking to the future, leaving the heartache and endless questions behind, I’m diving myself into my books again, the occasional movie, my favorite love songs and remembering my days of reckless love, and there’s starting to be a familiar feeling that I once felt so strongly. I feel like I did when I was a teen, and right into my twenties – hopeful again! I missed love. I want love. I want to love. 

My teenage dream is alive again, and I’m the new romantic. I never stopped believeing in soulmates, twin flames, and the one, but I pushed that idea away for me – never again! I believe in the indescribable connection. I believe destiny and fate brings us to who we’re supposed to be with in unexpected ways. 

And when it does, he will be strong when I am weak, he will believe in me, he will never be OK with knowing I’m hurt, he will never shun me and treat me like nothing. He will look deep into my eyes and tell me he’s not going anywhere, and that he’s always loved me. And I will say, “You’re my Wonderwall.”…whoever you are. 

“Because maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you’re my wonderwall.” Wonderwall – Oasis