It’s never going to end. I don’t know how to plan for the future anymore. What if grocery shopping kills someone? Too many people are dying. Did I touch my face? Wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands. I’m scared, anxious, and I’m starting to feel a sinking feeling.
I was handling it well at first; positive and hopeful, but the last few days I can’t stop worrying. These thoughts circle in my mind over and over. When I turn on the news I fall apart. It’s the deaths of those in long term facilities and the coffins filled with dead bodies around the world that makes me cry my eyes out. Many families are losing loved ones and it’s so heartbreaking. I have to limit the news, but I also don’t want to be in the dark either. The problem is the news is ever evolving. The big red banner on the TV never stops saying, “BREAKING NEWS.” Social media doesn’t help with the worrying either. So much news and too many people sharing information that may or may not be true. I’ve been limiting social media over the last few days as well.
Although the news is devastating, I know I need to try to keep my head on straight while I’m home. I’ve been keeping myself busy with schoolwork – my final semester. What a memory this will be. Thankfully, I’ve found a routine through all of this. I have coffee in the morning and listen to a guided mediation, then go for a walk in my neighbourhood – less people out in the morning. I do schoolwork until Justin Trudeau comes on at noon. I do more schoolwork until the Nova Scotia Government comes on at 3:00 pm. I exercise in the evening and I’ve been eating well. I finish the night off with a with a movie; it’s nice to escape this reality for a bit. I think if I didn’t do these things, I would lose my mind and sink into depression, but keeping a good routine is helping me.
Grocery shopping is terrible. I have to be in the moment and focused. I’ve been shopping twice. The first time I told a friend I washed the groceries and my friend told me I went overboard, but I know you’re supposed to disinfect, so I keep doing that. I buy groceries for my mom. I keep them at my house for three or four days before delivering them because she’s high risk. I’m not sure if I am. I get bronchitis every year. I once had it for a couple months. I needed two prescriptions to get rid of it. So, I do wonder if I’m at risk. I don’t even want to think about it. I’m just being as cautious as I can for everyone.
I’m feeling sadder with each passing day. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but this week has been really hard to do that when there’s no hope that things will be back to normal anytime soon. I know the government is saying we will see a large increase in Covid cases before we see reductions, so I have to try harder to remain confident that we will see the end of this. I’m so thankful for our Government being reliable to update us everyday around the same time. I need these consistencies and it helps me to weed out fake news.
I realized it’s been more than two years since my last post here. I’ve been so busy with school, but this will be ending soon, and the uncertain future will be on my mind. Maybe writing here will be good. It’s just my little online space to say whatever and maybe this will help with the sadness I feel from the Covid-19 Pandemic.